THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO TELL MY MUM BUT CAN’T….

'LOVE IS A POWERFUL WORD'This is more of a personal blog on my behalf.  As I was walking along the beach this morning, this particular song played  and it always brings a tear to my eye.  WHY?  Because I had always thought that I was the one that lost out on having a good relationship with my mum, but now I know that ‘my mother’ is the one that lost out big time!

Here’s only a very small part of my story:

My father left at 2 years old, don’t know why, my mother never talked about him other than if she had some negative stuff to share with me as I got older, she also told me that my father never wanted me and to get an abortion, she didn’t obviously, but later she told me that he wrote to me until the age of around 15 but my mother never gave me those letters.  I did try to find my Dad through agencies for about 10 years but with no avail.

My mother and I moved in with my Aunty when I was not much older than 3 or so and lived with her until I was 15 years old.  My Aunty was a very dogmatic and controlling woman who had never married, very abrupt in everything she did – bi golly, she knew what she wanted and when she wanted, so the influence of my ‘normal’ (well at least I thought it was normal but was very dysfunctional really) upbringing was  to esteem and respect dogmatic and controlling woman!  Remember, NORMAL was on my agenda big time!

GROWING UP:

I was as placed in boarding school from the age of 4-year-old.  Claremont Girls College @ Coogee as my mother was a single working parent and obviously had not much time for me.  A very well to do school at the time, they had day students and boarders like me.  I remember I had my own lolly tin which I was allowed to go to every day after school.  I don’t remember much really but it is funny how you remember just little special things that stay etched in your brain.  I had a very sheltered life and in some ways I am very thankful for that but in other ways  I am ‘not’.  I remember only seeing my mum some weekends and usually on a Sunday where she would take me out with my grandparents who loved ‘water skiing’ shows in those days.  I remember we always drove a lot and of course, I would always be sick in the back of the car!

SCHOOL:

I finally came out of boarding school from Claremont and I was enrolled into the last 6 months of Year 6 at Coogee Public School and then finally going onto Randwick Girls High until 1/2 way through Year 9, when my mother married this man who unfortunately became my step father!

Living with my Aunty and mother full-time from the age of around – 10 -11 years, I suffered every type of abuse you could mention, from them both and from one of our next door neighbors.  I had to sleep with my mother in her bed until I was 15 even though we had a spare bedroom, I was not allowed to have it.  I was very rarely ever allowed to play with my friends and never allowed to have friends over.

School for me became my outlet to be able to let loose a little (I was still very naive and sheltered in my ways) but I felt a sense of freedom away from my home life. Free to be ‘me’ as a person and not controlled in what I should say and do.

I believe in some small way that my mother and Aunty thought they were doing the right thing in bringing up this young child in the ways they thought were right and for me, life was ‘normal’....!!!

FINDING MY PARTNER FOR LIFE:

It’s funny how things work out for good.  When my mother remarried (I was 15) we moved into his house which was in the same street as my future husband lived, didn’t know him then at all.  What was such a horrible ordeal for me because I knew my step father didn’t like me and I was considered in his eyes as left over baggage to him so to speak, turned out the most precious thing that I could have ever wanted in lifemy  husband Rick and we have been married now for nearly 40 years! He lived up one end of the street and I had moved in down the other end of the street!  How bizarre? Of course after getting to know Rick and as I started going out with him, my mother and step father hated him also and there begins another whole journey of my life too long and personal to share in here at this time.

My mother never came to our wedding (her choice)  but apparently stood on the corner of the street in Parramatta and watched us get married.  Never has once told me that she loves me or that she is so sorry she missed my wedding.  She seems to have no regrets that I see, but I am sure she regrets many things now in her life!

SAD, NEGATIVE & LIVING UP TO EXPECTATIONS:

My mother today is a widow and I think there were many things to go with my step fathers death.  He also was such a miserable, negative, dogmatic, opinionated person that I really don’t know how my mother stayed married to him for so long but in saying that, they were two of a kind and I really don’t know what kind of marriage (if you can call it that) that they had.

My mother ended up moving up near where I live now to be near me????  Weird, isn’t it, we had and have no relationship whatsoever; she is never happy and always trying to control!  My whole life she has never been able to tell me that she ‘loves me‘….she cannot say those words ever, but the slightest thing that didn’t agree with my mum as we started trying to restore our very strained mother and daughter relationship when she moved up,  literally throws me out of her home and I haven’t seen her now for 11 1/2 years.

I tried to bond with her again about 5 years ago and the letter I got back was a constant disapproval of everything I do as a human being!  It is easy to say that the relationship didn’t heal and my mother to this day is a miserable, sad and a lonely old woman..

GOD IS GOOD:

I am so thankful for my life, my successful marriage of 40 years, 4 children, 8 grand children and I will never forget God’s grace and humor in moving me to the same street that my then future husband lived him.   God knows the future and he wants to best for his children…

Things I would have loved to have been able to tell my mum remind me within this song:

“He is good and he will never leave me, so don’t worry about me – it’s all good Mama!….

Never give up on telling your family that you ‘LOVE’ them.  It’s not a hard word but boy, it has some power and healing properties in it!

 

Lots of love,

Trish

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